21 February 2007

High Temperatures Bring Disaster to Mountain Resorts


The abnormally high temperatures registered in the winter of 2006/7 are endangering the livelihood of hundreds of workers in the Pyrenees. The hottest December in living memory plus the lack of rain since the late summer mean that there is not enough snow for the ski resorts to function properly and some have been forced to remain closed in the hope of a late change in the weather. The director of a prestigious 200-bed hotel complex in the Cerdanya told reporters that bookings since Christmas have been down by 65%. The only guests at the present time were a party of 43 pensioners from Bridlington who were hoping that the high-altitude clear air might benefit their arthritis.
Local residents and workers are resorting to extreme measures in an attempt to change the weather pattern of the region. A demonstration took place at mid day last Sunday in the town square of SetCases calling on local government to finance the cost of hiring an American Indian rainmaker. The mainly British employees of a well know international ski complex are reported to have considered invoking a pagan ritual involving a virgin but unfortunately, it was discovered that there were no virgins on the staff.
The weather forecast for the end of February suggests that a drop in temperatures, rain and snow may be on the way. Until this occurs the only beneficiaries of the situation are the companies specialising in the rental of artificial snow cannons. Meanwhile, a spokesman for the Ministry of Tourism strongly denied that the Ministry had offered to subsidise the purchase of thousands of gallons of white paint.

14 February 2007

Writer Finds Block of Wood

Early on Wednesday morning prolific novel
writer Sassan Hineman (42) found a large block
between him and his work. This approx 20cm
by 40 cm by 16cm block of wood (27) had
somehow found its way into Mr. Hineman (42)'s
chair and was refusing to leave.
"I tried to move it with my superior wit and
impeccable spelling, but it wouldn't budge. Eventually I decided we
would just have to learn to work together." Said Hineman (42) when I
interviewed him 20-30 minutes later, wearing a large red hat and waders.

Mr. Hineman (42) went on to tell me that the block of wood (27) had
continued to make it almost impossible for him to continue his work.
Apparently the writers block had eventually fallen onto the floor when
he started quoting Shakespeare at it. But it still occasionally tripped him
up and he went through bouts of being unable to write because of his
block.
Sources close to Mr. Hineman (42) have called the block "deeply
metaphoric".
"I've known Sassy for years." explained 'close friend' Roger Stout (38) "And
its always something with him, if it is not a block of wood it's a small wall
or a group of Renegade Prison Wardens. He always has an excuse for not writing."

So is Sassan Hineman (42) a man frequented by mysteriously obtuse metaphors?
Or is he a nut who will come up with any excuse not to do the job he was "born
to do"?
Only journalists such as myself can decide.

-Rory Glynn