Muffins: An SI Unit of Boredom.

Finally an SI unit for the measuring of boredom has been accepted worldwide.

The now widely hailed ‘Unit of Boredom’ was first created by a research assistant in “Le Medo Funshiea” University in Paris. On Friday Jean-Claude Killeen explained in a sit down session with reporters:

“It has often troubled me as a member of the uhh scientific community that we had no standard method of measuring boredom. But one day I was collating results of tests the brain functions of a (control) group of ehhh… how you say: dead monkeys, when it suddenly struck me that I desperately wanted a muffin.
I mulled it over for a little while and decided that my test results could uhhh wait while I refreshed myself.
While on my way to the ‘Lesbialoue Du Pla’’ (a popular local alternative café) I began to ponder my choice of uhh… how you say: snacks. It seemed to me, that when I was hungry I ordered real food, when I was craving sugar I had a choclate bar, when I needed energy I would buy an energy bar and a drink; but when I was just bored I always wanted a muffin.
When I arrived at ‘Lesbialoue Du Pla’’ I asked a few of the other customers. Most of them we’re IT uhhh professionals, who claimed they were out eating muffins because their ehh code was uhm what’s-the-word? Ah yes: compiling.
I know enough to know… they’re just bored.”

Killeen continued to drone on to the associated press for several hours, detailing the exhaustive processes of standardisation, physical and psychiatric analysis that muffins underwent before being adopted as the standard measurement of boredom.

A major hold up occurred when the researchers discovered that some people could prevent themselves from eating while bored using a method of called “Will Power” which has apparently been practised for centuries by a small tribe in the Andes.
But soon a breakthrough was achieved. “We soon discovered that we could gage the amount of muffins a person would eat in a world where money and health are no object – like when you’re burning through a research grant.” said one professor in a related field.

Now the world has come to accept a new standard for boredom, which is sweeping the scientific community like a dangerous firestorm hell bent on world drestruction and draconian lunacy.

-Rory Glynn, Senior Tech. Corrispondent

High Temperatures Bring Disaster to Mountain Resorts

The abnormally high temperatures registered in the winter of 2006/7 are endangering the livelihood of hundreds of workers in the Pyrenees. The hottest December in living memory plus the lack of rain since the late summer mean that there is not enough snow for the ski resorts to function properly and some have been forced to remain closed in the hope of a late change in the weather. The director of a prestigious 200-bed hotel complex in the Cerdanya told reporters that bookings since Christmas have been down by 65%. The only guests at the present time were a party of 43 pensioners from Bridlington who were hoping that the high-altitude clear air might benefit their arthritis.
Local residents and workers are resorting to extreme measures in an attempt to change the weather pattern of the region. A demonstration took place at mid day last Sunday in the town square of SetCases calling on local government to finance the cost of hiring an American Indian rainmaker. The mainly British employees of a well know international ski complex are reported to have considered invoking a pagan ritual involving a virgin but unfortunately, it was discovered that there were no virgins on the staff.
The weather forecast for the end of February suggests that a drop in temperatures, rain and snow may be on the way. Until this occurs the only beneficiaries of the situation are the companies specialising in the rental of artificial snow cannons. Meanwhile, a spokesman for the Ministry of Tourism strongly denied that the Ministry had offered to subsidise the purchase of thousands of gallons of white paint.

Writer Finds Block of Wood

Early on Wednesday morning prolific novel
writer Sassan Hineman (42) found a large block
between him and his work. This approx 20cm
by 40 cm by 16cm block of wood (27) had
somehow found its way into Mr. Hineman (42)'s
chair and was refusing to leave.
"I tried to move it with my superior wit and
impeccable spelling, but it wouldn't budge. Eventually I decided we
would just have to learn to work together." Said Hineman (42) when I
interviewed him 20-30 minutes later, wearing a large red hat and waders.

Mr. Hineman (42) went on to tell me that the block of wood (27) had
continued to make it almost impossible for him to continue his work.
Apparently the writers block had eventually fallen onto the floor when
he started quoting Shakespeare at it. But it still occasionally tripped him
up and he went through bouts of being unable to write because of his
block.
Sources close to Mr. Hineman (42) have called the block "deeply
metaphoric".
"I've known Sassy for years." explained 'close friend' Roger Stout (38) "And
its always something with him, if it is not a block of wood it's a small wall
or a group of Renegade Prison Wardens. He always has an excuse for not writing."

So is Sassan Hineman (42) a man frequented by mysteriously obtuse metaphors?
Or is he a nut who will come up with any excuse not to do the job he was "born
to do"?
Only journalists such as myself can decide.

-Rory Glynn

Man Standing in Field Turns Out To Have Been Right All Along.

Early this morning scientists at The Karson Institute for the Advanced Study of Molecular Fieldology finally found the clinching evidence that the man standing in the field (pictured left) had been right all along.
"For years we thought it couldn't be, that our theory must be correct. But sadly, at three this morning we verified that we were wrong and that the only logical explanation was the one put forward by the other party (pictured above)." As one scientist told me, his face a facade of dejection.

Later at the official press conference Managing Director of the Institute seemed to be expressing a quite different viewpoint: "We may never have truly supported his theory but as is evidenced from this mornings surprising turn around in popular scientific theory. Some may say that we have wasted time by not believing the man standing in the field all along. But honestly this is nonsense. It is the job of scientists everywhere to bang on and on with their own theory until they accidentally discredit themselves, then like a phoenix they must arise reborn with a new theory stolen from the first available source.
In light of this I am happy to announce that The Karson Institute for the Advanced Study of Molecular Fieldology will be changing its name to The University of Phoenix."

A few hours later a press release was issued stating that The Karson Institute would not in fact be changing its name because they had gone to www.universityofphoenix.com and there was already a website there.

-Rory Glynn

Thank you very much, it's a pleasure to be here!

New Team Member Added

Joining Arwen and myself in this venture into madness is the latest team member:
Kimnarelle


I would like to wish Kimnarelle all the best in her position as the first ever NESW -NF!

Your NESW Need You

NESW is now recruiting talented young Jews with an interest in making things up.
If your Jewish and you want to write posts for this blogsite just send an email to ankhwatcher@jewmail.com.

Okay I'm only kidding you don't have to be Jewish... In fact Jews are not allowed to post on blogspot.com but if you want to we'll pretend your a Greek Orthodox, they'll believe that.
-Rory

NIGGER Admires Phil Lynott

At the National Irish Green-Grocers Emergency Reconciliatory (NIGGER) talks today Mr John P. Marzep announced "We at the National Irish Green-Grocers Emergency Reconciliatory talks would just like to point out that Phil Lynott was a great man and a guiding light to Green Grocers everywhere."
Today marks 21 years since the death of Phil Lynott and many people are singing his praises and his songs on the streets of Dublin.


One man I met however did not show the same respect for the lead singer of Thin Lizzy "'e was a bastard and one time he had this thing and it "exclaimed the man before trailing off. His name was Murphy or Tom 'definitely something beginning with a T, M or Q'.
His hatred of Lynott seemed to based on a firm grounding of 'Whiskey or poitín or was it stout?'
"Why should he have all the fun just because he's a bit dead!" he roared before he got confused and started talking to a dustbin.

-Rory Glynn, reporting from Dublin, a panic stricken town where drink is god and God is drunk.